I'm a people watcher. I LOVE to sit back and just watch people be themselves and spout off their opinions. More specifically, I'm fascinated with other people's relationship issues. Maybe it's because my parents divorced after having 7 children and I still have questions about how that's possible. My parents separated when I was 4 years old, so I have no memory of them together, but my older siblings tell stories about how much fun they had together when they were married...how much more carefree they were. Don't get me wrong...my parents are both happy now and they have been wonderful examples to me. It's just that the dissolution of their marriage has made me more reserved about getting married myself.
Over the years, I've seen SO MANY seemingly healthy marriages fall apart. And I'm not just talking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and other Hollywood breakups. I'm talking about close friends and family members. Marriages that I could have sworn would last forever because the couples started out as best friends.
I've attended my fair share of weddings and I see the beautiful bride with a radiant glow about her as she walks down the aisle to join her proud husband-to-be. They both seem so full of hope and have a confidence that they will be together till death do us part. But then I read the statistics which show that over half of these marriages in America end in divorce. All of this makes me stop and question, what exactly does it take for a couple to go from till death do us part to irreconcilable differences? In a one word summary, LIFE.
For my parents, it was too much separation time because my dad was often deployed around the world as a military officer. For some couples, it might be tough financial situations. Others may separate due to infidelity issues. Still other unions may dissolve due to a lack of common interests and ideals that the couple discovered over time. In each of these circumstances, both of the parties are emotionally scarred by the break up. And often, they don't allow themselves to fully heal and learn from their mistakes before jumping into their NEXT relationship. Thus, they bring their pain, preconceived ideas and distrust...aka baggage...with them; setting themselves up to fail in the new relationship as well.
As a woman who LOVES sappy love songs, as a single momma to the world's sweetest little boy who deserves an excellent and constant father-figure in his life someday, and as an optimist; I believe in the truly together forever marriage. This requires a love that surpasses human emotion or sometimes understanding. It demands agape love which is the type of love that God has for us...unconditional love. As I read the biblical passage of I Corinthians 13:4-8, I become hopeful.
"Love is patient and is kind. Love does not envy; love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. LOVE NEVER FAILS."
This passage is not only a guide of what I am to look for in a potential life partner, but what I am to aspire to be myself. With a love this pure and a healthy understanding that no one is perfect, my reservations about life-long marriage are minimizing.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Taking the High Road
Single parents...this one's for you!!
Without going into great detail about my personal life, let's just say I'm currently going through the child support application process. I'm a peaceful person by nature and I decided when my son was born that I would set aside all of my anger, resentment and vindictive actions toward my ex and just allow my son and his dad to develop their own relationship. It's worked fairly well so far. My son is completely content in his individual relationships he shares with both his father and me.
As any parent in my situation would know, it often takes so much mental and emotional strength to share a peaceful parenting relationship while at the same time taking precautions to make sure the other party doesn't walk all over you. It can be a daily power struggle over minor details. I can't count the number of times I've felt compelled to make a vengeful parenting decision that I believed would be completely justified because of how my son's father "wronged" me in the past. I've also been chastized numerous times by both friends and family members for "being too nice" and accommodating to my ex's parenting requests and demands.
So I began to wonder, where does a single parent find that balance of strength and meekness when dealing with a somewhat controlling and manipulative counterpart?
The biblical principle found in Ephesians 5:1-2 has become my guide to effective co-parenting with a person who often shares different values and opinions than me as we raise our son. This passage instructs us to "be imitators of God..." and to "walk in love as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us..." When I attempt to walk in love as Christ did, the strength and meekness seem to co-exist. My words and actions toward my son's father have become more confident yet compliant; this powerful combination has minimized his control over my life while at the same time it's allowed him to have a more individual relationship with his son. A win-win situation.
I do still encounter little power struggles every now and again. And as hard as it may be sometimes to walk in love toward your child's other parent, your son/daughter will be so much more content if they know that their parents can work together even if they are no longer in a relationship. My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old. I have absolutely no recollection of either one of them "bad-mouthing" the other throughout my entire lifetime. I appreciate their self-control and I believe I am a more peaceful, positive person today because they had the discretion to abstain from spewing slanderous accusations about each other to their children.
My parents also taught me to pray for things I wanted in life. So, I have decided to pass along this important lesson to my son as well. We pray every night for peace between him, his dad and me. Proverbs 22:6 tells us to, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Even if his father and I don't agree on some parenting issues, I have the responsibility to raise my son with morals and standards and a healthy respect and love for God.
Minnesota State Representative, David Bly once said, "Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be." If I want my son to become a content, peaceful and confident man, I have to make a priority to work with his father to build a cohesive parenting plan which is based on peace, compromise and communication.
Separated parenting may not be the ideal situation for raising a child, but consistent, cooperative parenting can still result in the making of a highly successful, healthy and happy man or woman.
Without going into great detail about my personal life, let's just say I'm currently going through the child support application process. I'm a peaceful person by nature and I decided when my son was born that I would set aside all of my anger, resentment and vindictive actions toward my ex and just allow my son and his dad to develop their own relationship. It's worked fairly well so far. My son is completely content in his individual relationships he shares with both his father and me.
As any parent in my situation would know, it often takes so much mental and emotional strength to share a peaceful parenting relationship while at the same time taking precautions to make sure the other party doesn't walk all over you. It can be a daily power struggle over minor details. I can't count the number of times I've felt compelled to make a vengeful parenting decision that I believed would be completely justified because of how my son's father "wronged" me in the past. I've also been chastized numerous times by both friends and family members for "being too nice" and accommodating to my ex's parenting requests and demands.
So I began to wonder, where does a single parent find that balance of strength and meekness when dealing with a somewhat controlling and manipulative counterpart?
The biblical principle found in Ephesians 5:1-2 has become my guide to effective co-parenting with a person who often shares different values and opinions than me as we raise our son. This passage instructs us to "be imitators of God..." and to "walk in love as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us..." When I attempt to walk in love as Christ did, the strength and meekness seem to co-exist. My words and actions toward my son's father have become more confident yet compliant; this powerful combination has minimized his control over my life while at the same time it's allowed him to have a more individual relationship with his son. A win-win situation.
I do still encounter little power struggles every now and again. And as hard as it may be sometimes to walk in love toward your child's other parent, your son/daughter will be so much more content if they know that their parents can work together even if they are no longer in a relationship. My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old. I have absolutely no recollection of either one of them "bad-mouthing" the other throughout my entire lifetime. I appreciate their self-control and I believe I am a more peaceful, positive person today because they had the discretion to abstain from spewing slanderous accusations about each other to their children.
My parents also taught me to pray for things I wanted in life. So, I have decided to pass along this important lesson to my son as well. We pray every night for peace between him, his dad and me. Proverbs 22:6 tells us to, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Even if his father and I don't agree on some parenting issues, I have the responsibility to raise my son with morals and standards and a healthy respect and love for God.
Minnesota State Representative, David Bly once said, "Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be." If I want my son to become a content, peaceful and confident man, I have to make a priority to work with his father to build a cohesive parenting plan which is based on peace, compromise and communication.
Separated parenting may not be the ideal situation for raising a child, but consistent, cooperative parenting can still result in the making of a highly successful, healthy and happy man or woman.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Powerful Words and Thoughts
Seems like everywhere you turn these days, there's ALWAYS someone complaining about something. The most common complaint at the moment of course is the economy. So we've probably ALL been affected in some way by our dwindling economy, right? Did you lose your job or get a pay cut? Perhaps you didn't get your Christmas bonus this year. Or maybe your house went into foreclosure because you weren't able to afford mortgage payments anymore.
During this time, I've found that it's so easy to let our thoughts and words bring us down even further. It's much simpler to surround ourselves with people who enable us to wallow in self-pity instead of finding friends who will encourage us to think of ideas that will help us overcome our struggles.
Growing up, I was taught that the tongue and the mind were both EXTREMELY powerful tools. Books like "PsychoCybernetics," "The Power of Positive Thinking" and "Hung By the Tongue" taught me that these two tools could either bring us ABUNDANT LIFE or PREMATURE DEATH, depending on how we used them. I also learned that WHO and WHAT you listen to affect how you think.
All of these teachings came rushing back to me these past couple years as I found myself constantly complaining about my personal situations in life. Everyday, I'd go to work or call up a family member and just start COMPLAINING about something. But then the question hit me...WHO WANTS TO BE AROUND SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING?! I sure didn't. A person like that just doesn't make you feel good; often they start to bring you down with them.
So, after listening to a VERY wise woman (my mother...who else?), I decided to become a grateful person. This changed my life. No matter what your circumstance may be, there's ALWAYS something to be thankful for. I put aside my anger, bitterness & resentment and began to count my blessings. When I started looking at the positive aspects of my life...it helped me start problem-solving. Willie Nelson once said,
"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results."
And this philosophy has transformed my life. It's helped me become a better mother to Roo, a better friend, a WAY BETTER employee & a more confident person inside. I'm not ALWAYS positive and chipper, but if I'm having "just one of those days," I know that I have terrific friends and family members who can speak uplifting words of encouragement and bring me right back up. :)
During this time, I've found that it's so easy to let our thoughts and words bring us down even further. It's much simpler to surround ourselves with people who enable us to wallow in self-pity instead of finding friends who will encourage us to think of ideas that will help us overcome our struggles.
Growing up, I was taught that the tongue and the mind were both EXTREMELY powerful tools. Books like "PsychoCybernetics," "The Power of Positive Thinking" and "Hung By the Tongue" taught me that these two tools could either bring us ABUNDANT LIFE or PREMATURE DEATH, depending on how we used them. I also learned that WHO and WHAT you listen to affect how you think.
All of these teachings came rushing back to me these past couple years as I found myself constantly complaining about my personal situations in life. Everyday, I'd go to work or call up a family member and just start COMPLAINING about something. But then the question hit me...WHO WANTS TO BE AROUND SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING?! I sure didn't. A person like that just doesn't make you feel good; often they start to bring you down with them.
So, after listening to a VERY wise woman (my mother...who else?), I decided to become a grateful person. This changed my life. No matter what your circumstance may be, there's ALWAYS something to be thankful for. I put aside my anger, bitterness & resentment and began to count my blessings. When I started looking at the positive aspects of my life...it helped me start problem-solving. Willie Nelson once said,
"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results."
And this philosophy has transformed my life. It's helped me become a better mother to Roo, a better friend, a WAY BETTER employee & a more confident person inside. I'm not ALWAYS positive and chipper, but if I'm having "just one of those days," I know that I have terrific friends and family members who can speak uplifting words of encouragement and bring me right back up. :)
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