"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it."
An interesting quote from American writer, Clarence Budington Kelland; however, it's ineffectiveness lies in the lack of instruction from a father to his son.
Today in our society, fatherhood has taken backseat to motherhood in the parental heirarchy. In many cases, a father's authority is undermined and even flat out ignored by their children. The mother is viewed as the nurturer, the educator and the disciplinarian while the father's sole task is to provide financially for his family. This change of parental duties over the past few decades has damaged the family unit and produced a generation of kids who have a disrespect for authority in general.
I know a true life story of a boy who was raised in a two parent home. The father was rarely there and his discipline was almost non-existent. When the boy was sent home from school for misbehaving, he would always call his father to come pick him up because he knew that he would not be punished by him. Due to his father's lack of involvement in his life, the mother had to step up and become the disciplinarian, the nurturer, the educator and often the financial provider. As a result, the boy failed to learn many important life lessons. Whatsmore, when the boy had a child of his own, he depended on his child's mother to take on all of those roles that his own mother had been given when raising him. The parental example he'd seen as a child was all he knew; a father's role was not necessary, thus the cycle of a somewhat uninvolved father would continue.
But fathers, your role is extremely important. You need to stand up and take back that leadership role in your family. Not by physical force or verbal threats, but earn their respect and teach your kids the true character of a man. Show respect for your children's mother and work together as her ally in your joint parental duties.
Ephesians 6:4 says, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." Fathers, one of your duties is to instill within your children the difference between right and wrong or good and evil. Consistently show them the rewards of good behavior and the consequences of their bad behavior.
Protect your children and keep them out of harmful situations. Sigmund Freud once said, "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." This goes for children of all ages...even teenagers. They may not seem like they care, but children want to feel that they have a dad who will stand up for them and be their defender.
But most of all, fathers need to be an example and live by the same moral, ethical, and spiritual guidelines that they have trained their children to follow. All the teaching, discipline and protection a father provides hinges on how he lives his own life. Children are both perceptive and impressionable and can spot hypocrisy quite easily. And hypocrisy can undo a lifetime worth of righteous admonition. Of course, no parent is perfect but as the old adage goes,
"A good example has twice the value of good advice."
Happy Father's Day!!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
No love like a MOTHER'S LOVE
This is my third time celebrating Mother's Day and I STILL can't believe how blessed I am to have Mr Reuel William. I've NEVER thought of myself as the "motherly" type. I've been spontaneous, impatient, vain, and stubborn pretty much my whole life. When I got pregnant, I knew things would be different; I knew I would have to become more responsible and that my life would change forever. But I had NO IDEA what being a mom meant until I held Mr Roo in my arms for the first time. LOVE is the PERFECT word to describe what a mother feels at that moment when she holds her baby for the first time. Think about it...a mother often goes thru HOURS of laborious contractions, exhaustion and immense pressure and once the baby comes out...ALL of that pain is instantly forgotten and her emotions are that of joy and love. Personally, I don't remember what the pain of childbirth feels like even after less than 3 years; but I ABSOLUTELY remember how I felt when Mr Roo was placed in my arms.
Motherhood is MORE than just making it thru childbirth though; it's a DAILY lifestyle choice. It's putting your child's needs above your feelings. It's getting along with your spouse or ex even when it's hard. It's sticking with a daily routine so your child feels stability. It's encouraging them EVERY DAY by telling them how smart they are and how much you love them. It's reading to them and teaching them how to interact with others. And most importantly, a mother's job is to introduce their child to God.
Because I KNEW I lacked basic mothering skills in the beginning; I vowed that I would not only work on them, but I would also use my strength which was allowing God's love to shine thru me so that Roo would feel His love. And secondly, I relied on family to HELP me love Roo. I believe it DOES take a village to raise a child properly. It takes supportive family members, it takes caring teachers, it takes encouraging fellow church members, it takes understanding boss' and co-workers; but it all begins with a mother's UNCONDITIONAL love and devotion to 'raise up her child in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it.' Prov. 22:6
The perfect mother is NOT a 'perfect mother,' but a mother who realizes her mission is to raise her child to understand their purpose in life and help them anyway she can to fulfill that purpose.
Happy Mother's Day!!
Motherhood is MORE than just making it thru childbirth though; it's a DAILY lifestyle choice. It's putting your child's needs above your feelings. It's getting along with your spouse or ex even when it's hard. It's sticking with a daily routine so your child feels stability. It's encouraging them EVERY DAY by telling them how smart they are and how much you love them. It's reading to them and teaching them how to interact with others. And most importantly, a mother's job is to introduce their child to God.
Because I KNEW I lacked basic mothering skills in the beginning; I vowed that I would not only work on them, but I would also use my strength which was allowing God's love to shine thru me so that Roo would feel His love. And secondly, I relied on family to HELP me love Roo. I believe it DOES take a village to raise a child properly. It takes supportive family members, it takes caring teachers, it takes encouraging fellow church members, it takes understanding boss' and co-workers; but it all begins with a mother's UNCONDITIONAL love and devotion to 'raise up her child in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it.' Prov. 22:6
The perfect mother is NOT a 'perfect mother,' but a mother who realizes her mission is to raise her child to understand their purpose in life and help them anyway she can to fulfill that purpose.
Happy Mother's Day!!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
From the Boss' Prospective...
The following is a somewhat harshly over-exaggerated yet interesting hypothetical letter from a boss to his employees. Although I obviously don't agree with ALL the ideals this letter points out, as an employee AND soon-to-be small business owner, I gained a new perspective of how "the boss" thinks as well as a deeper understanding of how vital it is to reward entrepreneurship ESPECIALLY in this current struggling economic time. Enjoy! :)
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. (I know some of you will stop here, but please keep reading) However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.. My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company.. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury.. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.
Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.
Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 forquarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy?Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you?That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.
Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what?Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.
So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....
Signed,
Your boss
"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
- Thomas Jefferson
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. (I know some of you will stop here, but please keep reading) However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.. My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company.. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury.. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.
Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.
Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 forquarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy?Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you?That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.
Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what?Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.
So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....
Signed,
Your boss
"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
- Thomas Jefferson
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Let it go....
Just... let it go. This has been my personal mantra over the past couple months. I have ALWAYS been quite a vocal advocate for fairness. I can't exactly recall when I became so passionate about this concept. Was it when I got grounded as a teenager and couldn't go out on Halloween night because I failed to tell my parents that my little brother showed me that he had marijuana? Was it the fact that I felt my parents held me to a higher moral standard than my brothers just because I was a girl? Maybe it all began when I was unable to go to the amusement park with my classmates in junior high due to a near failing math grade which was the result of poor teaching in which the teacher was actually fired at the end of that year. In all of these cases, I remember saying...let me rephrase that...I remember shouting, THAT'S NOT FAIR!!
As an adult and especially as a single mom, I've had ample opportunities to rant about how unjust circumstances in life can be. And to be honest, I have let my emotions get the best of me on several occasions as I complained about the injustices of child support or my lack of social freedom or even about how different my body is now that I've had a child. I have struggled with this quest for fairness incessantly.
This 'eye for an eye' concept is surprisingly a biblical command. In Exodus 21: 23-25, God tells his people, the Israelites:
But if any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe."
A most appealing principle, I have to admit. Especially if it were to apply to recent relationship and parenting situations I've been through lately. But as I read further, I realize that this rule was made before we were saved by God's grace. Still grasping at my need for fairness, I was finally brought to my senses as I read Romans 6:23 which clearly states,
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Living in a fair world equals death to us all; we'd all be on our way to eternal separation from God and light. This definitely puts justice into perspective. However, I am still compelled to ask how we put up with the people who are just plain selfish and out to take advantage of us on a regular basis. How do we deal with them?
With Christ living in us, we have the responsibility and are given the strength to obey his teachings by
'loving your enemies, doing good to those who hate you, blessing those who curse you, and praying for those who spitefully use you.' Luke 6: 27-28
After uncovering all of this, I have decided to retire my quest for fairness and instead teach my son about forgivness, love and how to just...let it go.
Mahatma Ghandi said it best when he stated that,
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
As an adult and especially as a single mom, I've had ample opportunities to rant about how unjust circumstances in life can be. And to be honest, I have let my emotions get the best of me on several occasions as I complained about the injustices of child support or my lack of social freedom or even about how different my body is now that I've had a child. I have struggled with this quest for fairness incessantly.
This 'eye for an eye' concept is surprisingly a biblical command. In Exodus 21: 23-25, God tells his people, the Israelites:
But if any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe."
A most appealing principle, I have to admit. Especially if it were to apply to recent relationship and parenting situations I've been through lately. But as I read further, I realize that this rule was made before we were saved by God's grace. Still grasping at my need for fairness, I was finally brought to my senses as I read Romans 6:23 which clearly states,
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Living in a fair world equals death to us all; we'd all be on our way to eternal separation from God and light. This definitely puts justice into perspective. However, I am still compelled to ask how we put up with the people who are just plain selfish and out to take advantage of us on a regular basis. How do we deal with them?
With Christ living in us, we have the responsibility and are given the strength to obey his teachings by
'loving your enemies, doing good to those who hate you, blessing those who curse you, and praying for those who spitefully use you.' Luke 6: 27-28
After uncovering all of this, I have decided to retire my quest for fairness and instead teach my son about forgivness, love and how to just...let it go.
Mahatma Ghandi said it best when he stated that,
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
Monday, February 9, 2009
India.Arie ---NEW ALBUM---Check it out!!
Lately, I've been writing a lot about love, healing and being positive in my blogs. One point I made in a recent blog was to be aware of what you listen to on a regular basis; it affects how you think. Personally, I've made a point to listen to good, uplifting music throughout the day, and I've found that it's changed my entire mood.
I came across India.Arie's music several months ago and I can't stop listening to it. It's packed with powerful words of strength, healing, forgiveness and positivity. Her new album is coming out tomorrow and I encourage you to check it out!! She is most definitely using her singing ability to touch people's lives and bring them closer to God and I'm both uplifted and inspired by it. The words of hope and truth in her music have recently motivated me to use my own talent of writing to share my personal lessons in life and give words of encouragement. May we all be moved to use our talents in life to encourage and inspire the way India does through her music. :)
I came across India.Arie's music several months ago and I can't stop listening to it. It's packed with powerful words of strength, healing, forgiveness and positivity. Her new album is coming out tomorrow and I encourage you to check it out!! She is most definitely using her singing ability to touch people's lives and bring them closer to God and I'm both uplifted and inspired by it. The words of hope and truth in her music have recently motivated me to use my own talent of writing to share my personal lessons in life and give words of encouragement. May we all be moved to use our talents in life to encourage and inspire the way India does through her music. :)
Friday, January 23, 2009
What's LOVE Got to Do With It?
I'm a people watcher. I LOVE to sit back and just watch people be themselves and spout off their opinions. More specifically, I'm fascinated with other people's relationship issues. Maybe it's because my parents divorced after having 7 children and I still have questions about how that's possible. My parents separated when I was 4 years old, so I have no memory of them together, but my older siblings tell stories about how much fun they had together when they were married...how much more carefree they were. Don't get me wrong...my parents are both happy now and they have been wonderful examples to me. It's just that the dissolution of their marriage has made me more reserved about getting married myself.
Over the years, I've seen SO MANY seemingly healthy marriages fall apart. And I'm not just talking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and other Hollywood breakups. I'm talking about close friends and family members. Marriages that I could have sworn would last forever because the couples started out as best friends.
I've attended my fair share of weddings and I see the beautiful bride with a radiant glow about her as she walks down the aisle to join her proud husband-to-be. They both seem so full of hope and have a confidence that they will be together till death do us part. But then I read the statistics which show that over half of these marriages in America end in divorce. All of this makes me stop and question, what exactly does it take for a couple to go from till death do us part to irreconcilable differences? In a one word summary, LIFE.
For my parents, it was too much separation time because my dad was often deployed around the world as a military officer. For some couples, it might be tough financial situations. Others may separate due to infidelity issues. Still other unions may dissolve due to a lack of common interests and ideals that the couple discovered over time. In each of these circumstances, both of the parties are emotionally scarred by the break up. And often, they don't allow themselves to fully heal and learn from their mistakes before jumping into their NEXT relationship. Thus, they bring their pain, preconceived ideas and distrust...aka baggage...with them; setting themselves up to fail in the new relationship as well.
As a woman who LOVES sappy love songs, as a single momma to the world's sweetest little boy who deserves an excellent and constant father-figure in his life someday, and as an optimist; I believe in the truly together forever marriage. This requires a love that surpasses human emotion or sometimes understanding. It demands agape love which is the type of love that God has for us...unconditional love. As I read the biblical passage of I Corinthians 13:4-8, I become hopeful.
"Love is patient and is kind. Love does not envy; love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. LOVE NEVER FAILS."
This passage is not only a guide of what I am to look for in a potential life partner, but what I am to aspire to be myself. With a love this pure and a healthy understanding that no one is perfect, my reservations about life-long marriage are minimizing.
Over the years, I've seen SO MANY seemingly healthy marriages fall apart. And I'm not just talking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and other Hollywood breakups. I'm talking about close friends and family members. Marriages that I could have sworn would last forever because the couples started out as best friends.
I've attended my fair share of weddings and I see the beautiful bride with a radiant glow about her as she walks down the aisle to join her proud husband-to-be. They both seem so full of hope and have a confidence that they will be together till death do us part. But then I read the statistics which show that over half of these marriages in America end in divorce. All of this makes me stop and question, what exactly does it take for a couple to go from till death do us part to irreconcilable differences? In a one word summary, LIFE.
For my parents, it was too much separation time because my dad was often deployed around the world as a military officer. For some couples, it might be tough financial situations. Others may separate due to infidelity issues. Still other unions may dissolve due to a lack of common interests and ideals that the couple discovered over time. In each of these circumstances, both of the parties are emotionally scarred by the break up. And often, they don't allow themselves to fully heal and learn from their mistakes before jumping into their NEXT relationship. Thus, they bring their pain, preconceived ideas and distrust...aka baggage...with them; setting themselves up to fail in the new relationship as well.
As a woman who LOVES sappy love songs, as a single momma to the world's sweetest little boy who deserves an excellent and constant father-figure in his life someday, and as an optimist; I believe in the truly together forever marriage. This requires a love that surpasses human emotion or sometimes understanding. It demands agape love which is the type of love that God has for us...unconditional love. As I read the biblical passage of I Corinthians 13:4-8, I become hopeful.
"Love is patient and is kind. Love does not envy; love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. LOVE NEVER FAILS."
This passage is not only a guide of what I am to look for in a potential life partner, but what I am to aspire to be myself. With a love this pure and a healthy understanding that no one is perfect, my reservations about life-long marriage are minimizing.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Taking the High Road
Single parents...this one's for you!!
Without going into great detail about my personal life, let's just say I'm currently going through the child support application process. I'm a peaceful person by nature and I decided when my son was born that I would set aside all of my anger, resentment and vindictive actions toward my ex and just allow my son and his dad to develop their own relationship. It's worked fairly well so far. My son is completely content in his individual relationships he shares with both his father and me.
As any parent in my situation would know, it often takes so much mental and emotional strength to share a peaceful parenting relationship while at the same time taking precautions to make sure the other party doesn't walk all over you. It can be a daily power struggle over minor details. I can't count the number of times I've felt compelled to make a vengeful parenting decision that I believed would be completely justified because of how my son's father "wronged" me in the past. I've also been chastized numerous times by both friends and family members for "being too nice" and accommodating to my ex's parenting requests and demands.
So I began to wonder, where does a single parent find that balance of strength and meekness when dealing with a somewhat controlling and manipulative counterpart?
The biblical principle found in Ephesians 5:1-2 has become my guide to effective co-parenting with a person who often shares different values and opinions than me as we raise our son. This passage instructs us to "be imitators of God..." and to "walk in love as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us..." When I attempt to walk in love as Christ did, the strength and meekness seem to co-exist. My words and actions toward my son's father have become more confident yet compliant; this powerful combination has minimized his control over my life while at the same time it's allowed him to have a more individual relationship with his son. A win-win situation.
I do still encounter little power struggles every now and again. And as hard as it may be sometimes to walk in love toward your child's other parent, your son/daughter will be so much more content if they know that their parents can work together even if they are no longer in a relationship. My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old. I have absolutely no recollection of either one of them "bad-mouthing" the other throughout my entire lifetime. I appreciate their self-control and I believe I am a more peaceful, positive person today because they had the discretion to abstain from spewing slanderous accusations about each other to their children.
My parents also taught me to pray for things I wanted in life. So, I have decided to pass along this important lesson to my son as well. We pray every night for peace between him, his dad and me. Proverbs 22:6 tells us to, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Even if his father and I don't agree on some parenting issues, I have the responsibility to raise my son with morals and standards and a healthy respect and love for God.
Minnesota State Representative, David Bly once said, "Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be." If I want my son to become a content, peaceful and confident man, I have to make a priority to work with his father to build a cohesive parenting plan which is based on peace, compromise and communication.
Separated parenting may not be the ideal situation for raising a child, but consistent, cooperative parenting can still result in the making of a highly successful, healthy and happy man or woman.
Without going into great detail about my personal life, let's just say I'm currently going through the child support application process. I'm a peaceful person by nature and I decided when my son was born that I would set aside all of my anger, resentment and vindictive actions toward my ex and just allow my son and his dad to develop their own relationship. It's worked fairly well so far. My son is completely content in his individual relationships he shares with both his father and me.
As any parent in my situation would know, it often takes so much mental and emotional strength to share a peaceful parenting relationship while at the same time taking precautions to make sure the other party doesn't walk all over you. It can be a daily power struggle over minor details. I can't count the number of times I've felt compelled to make a vengeful parenting decision that I believed would be completely justified because of how my son's father "wronged" me in the past. I've also been chastized numerous times by both friends and family members for "being too nice" and accommodating to my ex's parenting requests and demands.
So I began to wonder, where does a single parent find that balance of strength and meekness when dealing with a somewhat controlling and manipulative counterpart?
The biblical principle found in Ephesians 5:1-2 has become my guide to effective co-parenting with a person who often shares different values and opinions than me as we raise our son. This passage instructs us to "be imitators of God..." and to "walk in love as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us..." When I attempt to walk in love as Christ did, the strength and meekness seem to co-exist. My words and actions toward my son's father have become more confident yet compliant; this powerful combination has minimized his control over my life while at the same time it's allowed him to have a more individual relationship with his son. A win-win situation.
I do still encounter little power struggles every now and again. And as hard as it may be sometimes to walk in love toward your child's other parent, your son/daughter will be so much more content if they know that their parents can work together even if they are no longer in a relationship. My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old. I have absolutely no recollection of either one of them "bad-mouthing" the other throughout my entire lifetime. I appreciate their self-control and I believe I am a more peaceful, positive person today because they had the discretion to abstain from spewing slanderous accusations about each other to their children.
My parents also taught me to pray for things I wanted in life. So, I have decided to pass along this important lesson to my son as well. We pray every night for peace between him, his dad and me. Proverbs 22:6 tells us to, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Even if his father and I don't agree on some parenting issues, I have the responsibility to raise my son with morals and standards and a healthy respect and love for God.
Minnesota State Representative, David Bly once said, "Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be." If I want my son to become a content, peaceful and confident man, I have to make a priority to work with his father to build a cohesive parenting plan which is based on peace, compromise and communication.
Separated parenting may not be the ideal situation for raising a child, but consistent, cooperative parenting can still result in the making of a highly successful, healthy and happy man or woman.
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